How Pastors Discern Their True Friends

By Sam Rainer

Life is better with people. Life is more fun with people. Ministry requires people. We don’t minister to squirrels.

By God’s design, we cannot make it in this life without friends and family. We are created in God’s image, and He is social. We need relationships. It’s natural for us to crave social interaction. Some are more introverted than others, but everyone needs someone. Pastors are no exception. In fact, pastors should lead their churches with friendship in the same way they lead with theology, vision, and spiritual disciplines.

But being a pastor can be lonely. This loneliness is especially true for lead pastors. A lead pastor has no peers in the church. Staff report to the lead pastor, and the people of their churches are under their care. Other lead pastors in the community are peers, but their churches are often viewed as competition, an unfortunate but real problem.

For friendship, most lead pastors rely on other lead pastors in different communities. However, the distance between them creates a situation where they are not regularly interacting and do not understand the unique dynamics of ministry in each other’s communities. It’s tough to relate when you don’t live in the same place.

Pastors should have at least one friend in the church. It’s hard, I know. Most pastors stay on guard. They’ve been burned or hurt. As a result, they are in a defensive posture. Potential friends want to relate, but it can be difficult. Since friendship can be challenging…