Caring for an elder with memory loss is an emotional journey of grieving losses, understanding the wishes of a parent or spouse, and planning for care needs.

A diagnosis of Alzheimer’s or dementia is life-changing. The importance of planning for future care cannot be underestimated.

Couples in spousal relationships have a built-in caregiver with a healthy spouse. Even still the healthy spouse may need support for dementia care from adult children as the disease progresses. Older adults who are single, divorced, or widowed, called solo agers, face greater challenges to create a plan of care with trusted friends, adult children, and others.

Confirming a Memory Loss Diagnosis Begins the Care Planning Process

Confirming a memory loss diagnosis is the first step to creating a care plan. According to research, chronic diseases and proteins in the brain that result in a diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer’s disease begin ten to twenty years prior to consumers seeking a formal diagnosis.

Primary care physicians are the gateway to a referral to a specialist qualified to diagnose memory loss. These specialists include geriatricians, neurologists, and neuropsychologists. Dementia is an umbrella term for memory loss that includes Alzheimer’s disease, vascular dementia, dementia with Lewy Bodies, Parkinson’s disease dementia, mixed dementia, frontotemporal dementia, Huntington’s Disease, and other chronic conditions that progress to a dementia diagnosis like multiple sclerosis, stroke, and heart disease.

Dementia and Care Planning Education

According to Wilson, an elder care expert, learning about dementia and how memory loss progresses is essential. Care planning involves discussions with the diagnosed person about health care wishes before memory loss progresses and decision making is impaired. For this reason, legal discussions around who will be the medical and financial decision-maker are time-sensitive.

Spouses may choose the healthy spouse to be the legal decision-maker as an agent under power of attorney or guardianship, with an adult child or a friend as the successor decision-maker. Solo agers may appoint friends or a professional fiduciary. The significance of accepting the role of a decision-maker for an individual with memory loss should be carefully considered.

As the disease progresses, twenty-four-hour care will be necessary. The frequency of visits to healthcare providers will grow as well as the number of decisions that have to be made about daily care. Creating a short and long-term care plan when a loved one can clearly express wishes is essential to minimizing doubt within a family and avoiding arguments with healthcare professionals who may pressure the medical decision-maker to make decisions contrary to the wishes of the patient.

Dementia Caregivers Experience Greater Stress

Caregivers of persons with dementia experience greater stress than other family caregivers because of the extent of the disease. In the early stages, persons with dementia may continue to be self-sufficient while experiencing short-term memory gaps that necessitate kindly reminders to take medications, change clothing, or bathe.

Over time safety concerns about leaving an elderly parent or spouse alone at home build because of common fears like forgetting to turn off running water or a stove. For some loved ones with dementia, wandering out of the home and becoming lost is a significant concern. The ability of a spouse or adult child to leave the home to perform errands, grocery shop, or have time alone becomes dependent on having another individual to come to the home to stay with a spouse or parent.

How to Talk to a Spouse or Parent with Dementia

Conversations become more difficult with the progression of memory loss. The ability to remember becomes short and information is lost. Within a matter of seconds, a parent or spouse may repeat a question or become stuck on a desire like wanting to go home—when the person is at home.

In many situations, long-term memory remains intact. A desire to go home may be a desire to return to a childhood home. Individuals may want to see or talk to parents who are dead because of having no recollection that a parent has passed on. It is important for dementia caregivers to recognize and accept that attempts to teach, remind, reorient or reason with a loved one with memory loss will only frustrate the care receiver and the caregiver.

Instead of insisting that a person with dementia live in the present, dementia caregivers must learn to be present with a spouse or parent in their world. The Caring Generation podcast, How to Talk to a Parent With Dementia offers insights on being with loved ones at their level of presence and comprehension.

Dementia Behaviors Can Be Shocking and Challenging

In addition to learning how to respond appropriately to repetitive questioning or perseveration, other behaviors related to the disease may occur that can include refusing care or physical aggression. Family caregivers cannot be expected to know all of the aspects related to caring for persons with dementia. Caregiving for persons with and without dementia is a journey of learning, trial, and error.

All Care Situations Are Different

Decision-making for each care situation regardless of whether the care is related to chronic disease or memory loss is based on recall of past experiences by the caregiver and the care receiver. Even when caregiving experience exists through a similar or recent experience, joining an onsite or online course or support group offers insights to improve care of loved ones.

Caregivers experiencing exhaustion and burnout rarely consider that their level of attention or concentration may be impaired. As a result, the care provided to loved ones may not be optimal or mistakes in care may occur. Consulting with an elder care expert can give caregivers the permission needed to acknowledge and attend to their needs while finding and using other sources of support.

When potential burnout is discussed early in the care planning stages for a parent or spouse with dementia, guilt related to seeking education and outside support can be alleviated. No single caregiver can fully meet the needs of a spouse or a parent day in and day out indefinitely. Everyone—especially caregivers—does a better job when feeling healthy, happy, and supported.

Contact Wilson for more information about caregiver support, resources, consultations, and education.

Email [email protected] or

Call : +1 303-810-1816.

Marriages & divorces dropped off at the start of the pandemic and haven’t bounced back as expected as states have lifted restrictions. by Catherine Kimble

A study by Bowling Green State University’s Center for Family and Demographic Research analyzed the marriage and divorce rates in five states- Florida, Arizona, New Hampshire, Missouri, and Oregon. According to the study, if these trends “were repeated nationwide, the U.S. had an estimated ‘shortfall’ of 339,917 marriages and 191,053 divorces, according to the paper by Bowling Green’s Wendy Manning and Krista Payne. In 2019, there were roughly 2.2 million marriages in the U.S., and about 1 million divorces.”

Having a decrease in marriages and divorces in March and April 2020 was expected with the shutdowns and stay-at-home orders. However, when many states started reopening in the summer and fall, there was not an influx of marriages and divorces that would indicate that people were waiting until reopening occurred.

However, this was not the case everywhere. According to Bloomberg Wealth, “One exception is Arizona, where divorce numbers did bounce back over the summer to bring the state slightly above expected levels.”

While divorces were actually down, “In the first half of 2020, there were signs of an impending spike in divorce, with reports of a surge of filings in China as it came out of quarantine, and a disturbing rise in domestic violence arrests and calls to the police while U.S. cities were under stay-at-home orders in March” according to Bloomberg Wealth.

Even though the divorce rate is down, it does not necessarily mean that couples are happier in their marriages. According to Wendy Manning, a sociology professor who is the director of the Center for Family and Demographic Research, “Divorce can be expensive, and couples may be reluctant while facing economic uncertainty and/or health issues. These folks may feel ‘stuck’ and they could be delaying divorce until life feels more normal.”

With having to spend more time together, problems about the other person that could have been ignored or at least tolerated before the COVID-19 lockdown are coming to the surface.

With the COVID-19 pandemic, some people are getting divorced over Zoom. One unexpected advantage of going to court proceedings over Zoom is that it can save time. In the past, you may have had to wait around the courthouse for an hour to see a judge for a five-minute proceeding. Zoom calls eliminate that wait. According to Houston family law attorney Maria S. Lowry, most divorce cases are currently being handled remotely, and even mediation is being held via Zoom. This is a good solution, says Lowry, and for many families, it is superior to being in person. As the Harris County courts open up, Lowry expects them to continue to hold some proceedings via Zoom. “Of course,” says Lowry, “there are many times when an in-person hearing or trial is still preferable.”

Even though Zoom meetings may be saving time, it is not making the emotional toll of divorce any easier. Divorced parents are unsure how to deal with co-parenting and schooling during the pandemic with some places doing virtual schooling or a hybrid of in-person and virtual schooling. Also, there could be struggles if the couple has different views on COVID-19 restrictions and how to deal with them.

Even if you do not have kids, splitting up during the pandemic can still be difficult. For one thing, establishing a separate residence during the pandemic is no easy feat. Even absent the threat of COVID-19, attorney Lowry has found that many families continue to live in the same house even though separated (Lowry notes that Texas does not have “legal separation” as some other states do). This may be because money is tight or to enable the parents to co-parent and keep the family unit as stable and consistent as possible. If there are children, Lowry explains that the parents can go ahead and settle custody and support issues while staying in the same home and waiting on the actual divorce. “Another option,” says Lowry, “is a cohabitation agreement that sets out some rules such as how bills will be handled, decisions about personal property, and whether the parties will be allowed to date or have overnight guests.”

Speaking of dating post-divorce, finding new love in the midst of a lockdown can be challenging, to say the least. The prospect of not meeting someone new might be another reason couples are holding off from filing for divorce until restrictions are eased.

Some people do not like doing their divorce proceedings over Zoom. They would rather have their lawyer there next to them. This helps to have a human connection and to make the person feel like they are not alone. Meeting with your lawyer privately during a divorce mediation can also be difficult without the right technology and careful planning in advance of the mediation.

The COVID-19 pandemic has changed how we do just about everything, including marriage and divorce. It is still too early to determine how the pandemic will affect these institutions long-term.

Maria S. Lowry
Law Offices of Maria Lowry, PLLC